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Cake day: September 13th, 2023

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  • I taught middle school briefly. I had a student that was sexually harassing another one of my students. Using “[student’s name] GYATT” as a nickname in kahoots and shit. The student being harassed had also transferred in from being homeschooled all her life - no experience dealing with this kind of shit.

    Admin refused to do anything. I rearranged my seating chart to put them as far away from each other as possible, but admin blew me off when I asked if the problem student could be transferred to another class. Nope! Left me on read.

    It’s insidious in Oklahoma. I imagine it’s the same in Louisiana. They really do not care about sexual harassment. It’s the “good old boy” system, where they refuse to consider it as anything more than a minor issue.



  • I found out my mom had spent three decades of my life lying about who my biological father was.

    She has always spun some romantic bullshit story about a specific guy. Like I’m talking there was a whole ass story of her life leading up to my conception that she liked to tell me. A pretty fucked up story - she was a teenager, this guy was in his early twenties. But still, a mostly normal and consensual story barring the statuary aspect, not at all shocking where we live. He knocks her up, chickens out immediately, dumps her, etc. There was even a cathartic story about her being a then abandoned pregnant Sonic carhop, discovering the guy as a customer and throwing fries at his face. She describes my eyes and hair as his.

    I reach out to the guy as a teenager with help from family, who keep track of this guy throughout the years in case I’d want to ever make connection. I reach out, he denies that he’s my father. Well, sucks, but nothing too unexpected.

    As a lark, I get genetics testing kit one year. It’s on Amazon prime (back when that was a good deal and back before I realized how problematic that giving my DNA to a random company.)

    I take the test. A woman reaches out. My aunt. And she’s not the sister of my “father.”

    My biological father was a different adult man (mid twenties) who raped a teenager he met at a party. Even told me to my face that he hadn’t been interested in her, but more in her older sister.

    When I confronted her with this. It was a non reaction. It was “oh.” She’s told so many lies throughout her life, but this was finally the one she couldn’t bullshit her way out of. She lied to me for thirty years, and unlike any other lie she’s told, there‘s no “oh you’re just remembering it differently” or “I didn’t really mean that.”

    The most difficult thing is that maybe it was traumatic for her. Maybe it was violent. I’ve met him twice, and neither experience was really pleasant. He has a history. Maybe she did block it out, repress it in that Freudian way and did convince herself that some guy she had a crush on and her had some secret little tryst. Realizing maybe the hell of my childhood had an explanation - that she was trying to punish me, that she hated me as a symbol of rape. Can I forgive her for that?

    It’s just such a complicated and difficult thing to wrap my head around. Nothing about her as a person has ever made any sense.


  • Every update decreases the amount of people you can see. Frequent, full page ads that cannot be closed out and will open up a webpage/the App Store as you try to hit the “x.” You’ll “accidentally” hit the $99.99 monthly purchase somehow because everything moves around after your conversations load and have to exit out of the confirmation for that. There are a ridiculous amount of Only Fans and bots. Often the app would rather connect you to people hundreds of miles away rather than the people in your immediate area.







  • People being attracted to the same gender have always existed, but the social identity of being “homosexual” or “gay” has not always existed. The ancient Hebrews would not have understood it to be possible for men to have consensual desires for each other. Often times throughout western history, male same sex desire was understood as an “excess” of sexual desire. It wasn’t understood that you could be exclusively attracted to the same sex - the idea did not exist in our cultural milieu until the 19th century.

    Christianity is not the only religion that is anti-gay. A Buddhist might have a similar understanding to that western ancient/medieval understand of homosexuality I described earlier - that it is a harmful excess of sexual desire and hampers one’s progress towards separateness from the world. Confucianism would see exclusively same sex attraction as being harmful towards one’s obligation to continuing a family line.



  • You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to depart into hell.

    Matthew 5:27-30

    If not masturbation itself, certainly porn and fantasizing would be condemned by Jesus.




  • Onan is supposed to impregnate Tamar, the widow of his brother. The ancient Hebrews practiced levirate marriage, where if a woman’s husband died before giving her a son, her brother in law was supposed to impregnate her so that she could have some claim to inheritance/not be left destitute.

    Onan didn’t want to impregnate her, because he didn’t want to share the inheritance. So he pulled out and was killed for being a shitty person. Trying to get the O but not the responsibility. Absolutely nothing to do with masturbation.

    Later, Tamar is supposed to marry the last brother, but Judah, her father-in-law is freaked out about giving her his last son, worried that he is going to end up getting killed somehow too. So he tells Tamar to go back home and wait. Tamar eventually gets sick of this, dresses up as a prostitute and gets Judah to impregnate her.