I prefer the podcast tbh
deadnames: SterlingPooper, Wendy_Pleakley
Unhappy to report that I can identify exactly what traits and qualities of feminine people give me intense gender dysphoria, and am unable to stop the intensifying cycle of envy followed by self-loathing. This week is shaping up to be the 9th consecutive one of those weeks
From my experience, that’s not what they mean, but you also don’t find that out until you’re already collapsed. So it’s not great
I have just enough time on my drive to listen to Red Wine Supernova and Marching Through Georgia. I contain multitudes, you see
The quiet agony of plans having an open invite when you really just want a, “You going to this? Let’s sit together”. Plans are happening and people are probably there, but idk if they want me there, for no other reason than, nobody spoke to me about these plans today.
I am perhaps singular in wanting explicit invitations and explicit affirmations of friendship. I don’t think anybody on earth cares this much. I literally might have to stand under a falling piano to fix my brain
C plot where I’m left alone with the website because the main characters are all at the beach 😈
I don’t remember the more current episodes very well, so it may be time for a full relisten
Hell of Presidents is a great listen, the Lincoln episode and the Handsome Generals are my favorites to revisit
We’re seeing the dawn of vibes-based aviation safety
Gonna end up in the Sliwa Slammer with this sort of rhetoric
(kill me)
Carving my initials in the back 🔪
Of my hand✋ in case of LOSING TRACK😅
I turned off upvotes long ago so I have no idea how people feel about what I say. The fact that I keep posting to my Instagram story and deleting it 30 minutes later is probably not a great sign for my mental health, so what I’m doing here is healthy by comparison, or something.
Frankly, I don’t know what constitutes inner work and “outer” work. Am I supposed to know what not to tell others? Am I supposed to know what to tell others?
I was practically hyperventilating yesterday. I was so mad. I couldn’t focus, and I had to pack for this trip, and I hurt my hand. My pinky is still throbbing. I don’t even remember driving.
I wish I had just one person I could show the whole other side of me. I feel like nobody has ever seen them. Try as I do, I never feel safe letting that side out. I tried here once and what came of it was that I don’t really feel comfortable posting about queer stuff. It’s just a boundary I need, at least here, at least for now.
Generally, it feels like I want explicit sorts of affirmations that people are reluctant to give. I’m supposed to find ways to feel more feminine or feel more accepted, but asking people to call me pretty or accept me is too direct. The social contract only exists when it can serve to make things harder for people who deviate.
Nobody at school will notice that I’m gone, as per usual
Idk. It seems cool to be in a sort of role where you can help others and have an integral role, but people engage with you regularly about it. Imagine being in a meeting where someone wants your opinion. Imagine being part of a team where like, there’s consistent discussions and stuff. Imagine being considered like that. It sounds magical.
Something seems so idyllic about floating from interaction to interaction. Being in a web of people where you can generally expect things to happen with some consistency. It sounds enchanting, like something from a kids movie.
I either need to visit a large rock with my forehead, or spend time outside.
My appetite is back. This is tremendous news
Enjoying a relatively clear head for once. Things have gone well this weekend. Shame that Monday has to come
“I gave the leopard one of my fingers to eat. You’ll never guess what it wants next.”
“I got Iraq”
Made a phone call today that I had been putting off for a while. It felt good to finally reach out. I don’t do that enough
Together we can build Red Pac Man