I’m not sure if that reference to a terf group was a subtle dig or just ham-fistedness. I’m going to assume the latter for now and overlook it.

I think the core of why women-only spaces (or any affinity-based spaces) exist is that sometimes, people need a “room” where they don’t have to explain themselves from scratch, justify their feelings, or brace themselves for misunderstandings, no matter how well-intentioned. It’s about having a place where you can relax and be understood without constantly translating your experience or others.

Exclusivity sometimes matters

It’s a bit like why people form Chinese-only groups, or native women-only circles, or even expat meetups. It’s not necessarily about thinking outsiders are bad or unwelcome as people; it’s about the relief of not having to explain cultural references (like 关系, say), background pain points, or subtle social cues. Even the most well-meaning outsider, by virtue of their different life experience, can unintentionally disrupt that sense of “home base.” And sometimes, you just want to be with people who get it, so you can drop your guard for a while.

Constant explanation is draining

Even when outsiders are respectful and curious, their presence often means the group’s energy shifts from sharing and healing (or even just shooting the shit) to explaining and justifying. It’s not about active hostility; it’s about emotional labour. Imagine a Chinese-only group where a non-Chinese person keeps asking (genuinely!) for explanations of idioms, jokes, or cultural references. It’s not malicious, but it’s exhausting for the group members who just wanted to chat freely.

By way of analogy, imagine a French-language only room that permits monolingual anglophones. How much time would be wasted on translating things people say to a non-francophone? How much energy and effort would be spent on servicing the needs of the anglophone participants at the expense of the people the group is ostensibly for?

Yes. That masculine/feminine divide can sometimes be that vast.

The “Five Geek Social Fallacies”

This ties into the “Five Geek Social Fallacies,” especially the first one: “Ostracizers are Evil.” The idea is that some people believe any exclusion is inherently bad, but in reality, boundaries are necessary for healthy communities. (I stressed that because it’s an incredibly important point.) Not every space has to be for everyone, and that’s okay. Sometimes, the most supportive thing you can do is recognize when your presence isn’t needed, and respect that boundary.

It’s not #AllMen (or #AllOutsiders)

It’s not that every man, or every outsider, is a problem. It’s just that the group can’t function as intended if it’s always on alert for the possibility of being misunderstood, having to explain basics, or, in the extreme case, having to defend its existence. The easiest, kindest way to preserve that space is to set a clear boundary, even if it means some good people are left outside. It’s not a judgment on those people, it’s a recognition of the group’s needs.

Exclusivity in these contexts isn’t about hostility or superiority. It’s about creating a rare, valuable space where people can be fully themselves, unfiltered and unguarded. Sometimes, that means drawing a line—not because outsiders are bad, but because the group’s needs come first in that particular space.

I hope that helps clarify where I’m coming from.

Apparently I made assumptions about @[email protected] that were unwarranted. I’ve done some light editing of this post to correct for this.

I have a question for men who ask this question:

Why must you absolutely be here? There are literally thousands of communities on Lemmy and yet you’re offended that one doesn’t want your presence.

Think carefully about why that is. Think carefully about why you’re choosing to come into the community you’re clearly not welcome in (given the very rules of said community) to whine about how you’re not welcome in it instead of just shrugging and saying “guess that’s not for me”.

When you realizeIf you ever realize why you just did that, then you’ll also quite magically understand why the community rules are the way they are. I’ll give you a free clue, though, to help you to your realization: your very insistence on asking is why the rule is the way it is.

I added a sentence and changed a few words in the closing sentence.

The easiest way to distinguish between them is to ask what they do in their spare time.

Tech enthusiasts do either tech work, or creative work.

Techbros do extreme sports or other brodudish things.

Oh wow, that’s terrible!

I moved to China in 2001 “for a year or two” to get in touch with my family roots on that side.

I’m here almost 25 years later.

That’s what I make of China. 😂

Yeah, I heard her story when I lived in the Arctic and it was quite the resonating thing. When I saw a video about her today I replaced my original planned #2 with Ada.

I guess the original planned #2 will become #3.

From outside to in: my nation of citizenship, my nation of birth, and my nation of residence. :D I’m half-Chinese (mom), half-German (dad), half-Canadian (passport), and all bad at math.

people don’t quit jobs they quit managers

स्वाहा, my dear. Or 娑婆诃.

(Or if you must, “Amen!”)

Fair point.

Huh. Apparently if you give it an image it ignores the link. 😲 I’ll keep that in mind for future posts.

Yeah, especially the techobro-ascended managers who kept trying to tell me how to do the job I went to fucking university to learn.

That’s what triggered this, actually. I knew her story, but seeing that video put her next on my list of kick-ass women to document. 😆

Well, near the top for sure. There’s some areas of India whose cuisine I could live the rest of my life getting very fat on. 🤣

I can do without the mouldy cheeses, but Emmenthal and Brie (yes, I know the dust is mould too, but you know what I mean) are great!

I just started my Labour Day week-long holiday, so my week’s going great!

The PUA types are hilarious as long as you don’t get stuck alone with them. So easy to trigger; so easy to convert to MGTOW. (“Men Getting Triggered Over Women”.)

If you’re stuck alone with them, things get bad quickly. Don’t let this happen.

No troubles, mate.

From the Wikipedia article:

Blackjack used the money she saved to take her son to Seattle, Washington, to treat his tuberculosis. She remarried and had another son, Billy. Eventually, she returned to the Arctic, where she lived until the age of 85.

It’s the usual not being taken seriously.

Oh, ugh, I hated that part of working in tech. Double-whammy here: vagina-bearer and in marketing. I had to push back on that so often…

Oh, you have NO idea. 😬 And there’s a place literally a two minute walk away from my front door that makes them really well. It takes a force of will for me to walk past them when I go that direction.